DKender
Only One Skeleton has the Power to Control both Life and Death, Light and Dark, Words and Blank Space, Our Humble Lives Continue Only by the Grace and Magnanimity of This Skeleton
Nay, let us walk from fire unto firey skeleton ...
Posts: 9,204
Gender: Unknown Skeleton
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Post by DKender on Mar 21, 2014 18:28:46 GMT -8
It's like a commercial jingle.
I'm Jonesing for a Jonsey with my best friend Jones. Do doo do.
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Post by Thy Dungyeon Maestyr on Mar 21, 2014 18:31:45 GMT -8
There's a dairy brand here called meadowsweet, but they spell it "medosweet," which always makes me think it's a caveman brand. Me: Hey Thog, what's your milk taste like? Thog: Hm. Sometimes me do sweet. But sometimes, milk is warm too long. Then me do sour. But me want do sweet! Me: Groovy.
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DKender
Only One Skeleton has the Power to Control both Life and Death, Light and Dark, Words and Blank Space, Our Humble Lives Continue Only by the Grace and Magnanimity of This Skeleton
Nay, let us walk from fire unto firey skeleton ...
Posts: 9,204
Gender: Unknown Skeleton
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Post by DKender on Mar 21, 2014 19:11:09 GMT -8
And that, GEICO, is how you properly use cavemen in your ads.
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Post by ∆§Indea§∆ on Mar 21, 2014 19:12:31 GMT -8
@chris-
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Post by Thy Dungyeon Maestyr on Mar 21, 2014 21:07:05 GMT -8
Thank you, I'll be here all night... wait, no I won't.
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Post by ∆§Indea§∆ on Mar 23, 2014 16:53:32 GMT -8
I think I'll opt for the end of April, I can't see it happening by the end of March anymore. I will finish it though.
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Post by Dr. Maneep Pamplemousse on Mar 23, 2014 18:58:48 GMT -8
I have some very specific comments that I will share later, but for now I will say that Kelly has succeeded epically in setting the scene and mood. I've seen other authors try to give such depth to a scene only to succeed in using seven synonyms for green and mentioning one particular detail (like the scrubby underbrush) repeatedly. He spent a lot of time painting the grounds to great effect and without redundancy, or at least none that I noticed.
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Post by Dr. Maneep Pamplemousse on Jun 9, 2014 6:57:23 GMT -8
Sorry it took so long to start reading these stories, especially after having you all rush them to me before my first flight here. I'm terrible! So far I have finished Root Rot and haven't started any of the others yet. I thought I might share my findings on this one here. I don't recall if Kelly had stated whether he was open to criticism or not, but there is nothing significantly (negatively) critical I have to say about this story. Very little. There were a few spots where an event triggered a reaction and it wasn't immediately apparent that something happened for folks to be reacting to. There were a few spots where time passed in brief and it wasn't immediately apparent when things started back in the real time. These are both transitions, which I struggle with mightily. Based on my personal experience, these moments may have come about in the editing process if the author felt they were spending too much time on things not happening or giving away too much and taking the surprise out of a surprise. It's a difficult genre, trying to maintain mood and create specific emotional responses with only the written word. I applaud the work!! I will hide the rest of my comments behind a Spoiler Alert. {Spoiler}Below are a few of my most favoritest bits from the story.
"He stepped over gnarled roots twisted together in bony handshakes..."
"limber as a clothespin" (This is the most perfect description of myself in the morning too.)
"A grand skylight let in the sun's radiance, which tinted the world golden. Cream colored walls rose to a lofty ceiling, rimmed in cake-like layers of crown molding."
"A rich tapestry of detritus littered the ditches, fairy dust of broken glass sparkled, cheerfully colored unidentified plastic adorned the dreary grey asphalt."
The Raccoon Incident
"A wrinkled print of a man was framed in gold. The paper was so thin as to be nearly transparent. There had once been glass and only a sliver remained, protecting the man's tie and lapels and leaving his face to melt. His eyes and mouth blossomed out into the tissue paper in a clownish smear."
The Entire "Scene" at the Piano (In Chapter Ten)
"To his credit, he did walk by Robin's side the entire way, but did not offer to carry anything. 'In better shape' by conserving energy?" (I love that you went there, because I was thinking the exact same thing. Robin's little moments of doubt and paranoia made the relationship seem more genuine, particularly in how they changed in tone as it grew closer.)
The Hobo Haunting
"Certainly no one could blame them for a lack of ambition. With this weather, there was a dire shortage of elbow grease."
"The world outside was an oppressive pewter tone..."
"She'd been with grunge, moss grew along her shoulders like a fur stole." (Nothing not great about this sentence.)
"Eat it. Eat dinner." Kind of a standard reveal method, but in the context and setting and mood created, just phenomenal.
That should not be taken to be a complete list, because the whole thing was really great. My final verdict, unburdened by social niceties or familial relation obligation, straight up. That was some of the best writing I've read in a long time. Okay, that's not as complimentary as I intended it, on account of I've done little recreational reading in the last few years. Let's see how I can put this properly... this story was so engaging and well written that it makes me wonder why I stopped reading for so long. Clearly I just needed to find better material. Damned fine, good sir.
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Post by Dr. Maneep Pamplemousse on Jun 9, 2014 7:05:21 GMT -8
Random.org has chosen The Gazebo as my next read. I should probably stop with all this random nonsense and read my brother's.
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Post by Thy Dungyeon Maestyr on Jun 9, 2014 11:50:45 GMT -8
No way, take ur time. Mine is apparently kind of hard to read because I didn't smooth out the clunky book report-like sections by the time the draft was due (& now that it's printed, probably never will). Save it for last so you can keep momentum going. Kelly said, "Aww, thank you, that made me feel good." I couldn't his face over the weird divide in our room, but I think it was
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